My good friend Kelly says that Simon Cowell is living proof that, deep down, people really want to hear the unvarnished truth about themselves. In his role on the judge's panel on American Idol, Simon is the brutal one. Whenever one of the poor amateurs delivers a miserable performance it is Simon who most often tells it exactly how it is and seems to relish going over the top in his colorful and often unduly harsh criticism. Yet as you watch the nervous contestants await their critiques, almost all of them are waiting to see what Simon says about their talent. They know Paula will say something nice - even if it isn't true - and Randy is usually gentle and non-specific. But Simon is sure to deliver cold reality - not usually kind, but always accurate.
I'm not sure I agree that everyone wants to hear the truth. I personally know too many people who have no self-awareness and refuse to listen to anyone bringing truth. But I do think good leaders must deliver the truth anyway - good or bad. It may be one of the biggest responsibilities that a leader carries. If we don't tell our people the truth about themselves - good or bad - how can they grow? If we don't point out the good things they are doing, how can they know they should repeat them and build on them? If we don't hold up the mirror to the shortcomings, how can they know what they need to work on?
Speaking as a recovering people-pleaser, I admit that holding people accountable is not something I enjoy. In the past, I have looked the other way to avoid having to deal with someone whom I know needs correction. Sort of like pretending I don't see the lady's slip showing or the spinach on her teeth. But the fact is we do her a favor when we let her know that something is amiss because we assume she will want to take care of it.
I have learned that this is the attitude and approach I need to take with people I manage. I assume that they would want to know so that they can 'take care of it'. Even my tone of voice helps to take the edge off of negative feedback as I say, "I know you want to know about this area so that you can make necessary adjustments." It helps me deliver hard truth - and helps her save face.
I have also caught myself postponing, hoping the problems would correct themselves. They almost never do, because she is simply unaware there is a problem!
I have also tried beating around the bush about the issue and sort of joking my way through negative feedback. Again, this is simply counter-productive to real change, growth and improvement. Humor may be appropriate after we've worked through the difficult feedback, but too many jokes leave the impression that the issue was unimportant.
Painful experience has taught me an important lesson - when delivering feedback (even to volunteers!) I have to apply the golden rule and treat others the way I would want to be treated; with respect. Respect those you manage enough to tell them the truth. Assume that they are as mature as you are and can handle - and even welcome - a bit of well worded, well timed, constructive truth.
Don't wait. Don't hide. Don't be vague. Just bring it to their attention and say what needs to be said.
Proverbs 27:6 The wounds of a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Bun, Box or Bubble
I really like the Taco Bell campaign they launched last year. "Think Outside the Bun" was a clever reminder that you don't have to grab a burger every time you do the fast food thing. Instead of a bun - grab a taco shell!
Of course it's an obvious play off the old "think outside the box" saying that has been done to death, but it works. By the way, can't someone come up with a new thing to say to challenge people to push themselves beyond their usual, stale paradigm and think creatively? The box has been done to death. It needs to get out of it's own box!
In Christian-ese we refer to our own kind of box - but we call it 'the bubble'. When you spend 85% or more of your free time doing church activities, hanging out with other Christians, reading Christian publications (including the Bible) and listening to Christian music you are in the Christian bubble. Like the boy in the bubble back in the 80's you can see the world outside the bubble through a transparent film surrounding you and although you have a pseudo-relationship with the rest of the world, you are really removed from up close interaction that would allow you to become infected by it.
Unlike the boy in the bubble we become quite content inside because ...well good grief there are lots of wonderful things we love in the bubble....like our family, friends, good books and music, and even safe places to shop and work out. Who wouldn't love the bubble? It's easy to believe that we have no need to get outside the bubble because, after all, we might catch something horrible outside the bubble, right?
The problem is...God so loved the world, not just the bubble. And while we can stay in the bubble and avoid infection, we cannot infect others with His love if we're inside the bubble....and there are so many who desperately need His love. It's nearly impossible to love those outside the bubble from inside it. How can we love from such a distance? Any connections we might make with those on the outside tend to be superficial and distant because we've been in the bubble so long...and we've forgotten what it's even like to live out there.
I'm living outside the bubble now. It's a little bit scary because I've been in the bubble for so very long. At first I wasn't sure if I would learn to like it out here. But it's really not bad at all. I've not been infected by those on the outside and after 1 year I can say with certainty that I have been privileged to carry His brand of loving "infection" to many others through up close friendships. I've developed some new skills for life outside the bubble and I've had to learn to rely on Him more than ever - but maybe that's the best reason of all for living outside the bubble.
Of course it's an obvious play off the old "think outside the box" saying that has been done to death, but it works. By the way, can't someone come up with a new thing to say to challenge people to push themselves beyond their usual, stale paradigm and think creatively? The box has been done to death. It needs to get out of it's own box!
In Christian-ese we refer to our own kind of box - but we call it 'the bubble'. When you spend 85% or more of your free time doing church activities, hanging out with other Christians, reading Christian publications (including the Bible) and listening to Christian music you are in the Christian bubble. Like the boy in the bubble back in the 80's you can see the world outside the bubble through a transparent film surrounding you and although you have a pseudo-relationship with the rest of the world, you are really removed from up close interaction that would allow you to become infected by it.
Unlike the boy in the bubble we become quite content inside because ...well good grief there are lots of wonderful things we love in the bubble....like our family, friends, good books and music, and even safe places to shop and work out. Who wouldn't love the bubble? It's easy to believe that we have no need to get outside the bubble because, after all, we might catch something horrible outside the bubble, right?
The problem is...God so loved the world, not just the bubble. And while we can stay in the bubble and avoid infection, we cannot infect others with His love if we're inside the bubble....and there are so many who desperately need His love. It's nearly impossible to love those outside the bubble from inside it. How can we love from such a distance? Any connections we might make with those on the outside tend to be superficial and distant because we've been in the bubble so long...and we've forgotten what it's even like to live out there.
I'm living outside the bubble now. It's a little bit scary because I've been in the bubble for so very long. At first I wasn't sure if I would learn to like it out here. But it's really not bad at all. I've not been infected by those on the outside and after 1 year I can say with certainty that I have been privileged to carry His brand of loving "infection" to many others through up close friendships. I've developed some new skills for life outside the bubble and I've had to learn to rely on Him more than ever - but maybe that's the best reason of all for living outside the bubble.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The Future of Women's Ministries
Sherry Surratt will be a panelist at BLEND next Saturday, Feb 7 at Parkway Hills Church in Plano. Sherry is the Director of Women's Initiatives in Leadership at Leadership Network.
I'm excited to meet Sherry in person later this week as we've only talked by phone so far. In her role at Leadership Network she gets to interview women in leadership across the country about what God is doing in their ministries and the new directions He's taking them. The stories are amazing and it promises to be a fascinating discussion.
I hope you can join all of us at BLEND.
I'm excited to meet Sherry in person later this week as we've only talked by phone so far. In her role at Leadership Network she gets to interview women in leadership across the country about what God is doing in their ministries and the new directions He's taking them. The stories are amazing and it promises to be a fascinating discussion.
I hope you can join all of us at BLEND.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Teams: For Better or For Worse
I've been reminded this week how very difficult "team" can be. I usually love teams - love building them, leading them, serving on them....but they are messy for sure.
And good teams don't just happen. They take an all-out commitment. The kind that says "no matter what, we're going to work through this and divorce is not an option!" When you want to walk off, bail out, wash your hands and throw in the towel, you have to stay and keep talking and working.
In many ways it's a lot like marriage. It requires the same kind of "no matter what" attitude. At times we don't like each other much. And we're radically different in every way. But we have no choice but to make it work because each of our program's results depends on the other person on the team also doing their part. The work cannot be accomplished by a group - it absolutely requires a TEAM. Some of us have tried to do it on our own...but the work just simply can't get done that way.
My attitude has not been great but I am committed to improving it. And through much prayer and reflection I heard myself today telling two other team members that "We're a young team. And we cannot expect to behave and function like a mature team any more than we can expect 1 yr old toddlers to behave and function like 10 year old kids!"
There are no shortcuts to growing up. We can't avoid the terrible two's, we just have to go through these awkward and stressful stages right in front of each other. We have to make mistakes, disappoint each other, overreact, and sometimes behave like idiots before we can finally begin to realize that none of us is perfect, but each of us has a lot to offer. And all of us together can accomplish an amazing amount of great things.
I'll be glad when we outgrow this stage.
And good teams don't just happen. They take an all-out commitment. The kind that says "no matter what, we're going to work through this and divorce is not an option!" When you want to walk off, bail out, wash your hands and throw in the towel, you have to stay and keep talking and working.
In many ways it's a lot like marriage. It requires the same kind of "no matter what" attitude. At times we don't like each other much. And we're radically different in every way. But we have no choice but to make it work because each of our program's results depends on the other person on the team also doing their part. The work cannot be accomplished by a group - it absolutely requires a TEAM. Some of us have tried to do it on our own...but the work just simply can't get done that way.
My attitude has not been great but I am committed to improving it. And through much prayer and reflection I heard myself today telling two other team members that "We're a young team. And we cannot expect to behave and function like a mature team any more than we can expect 1 yr old toddlers to behave and function like 10 year old kids!"
There are no shortcuts to growing up. We can't avoid the terrible two's, we just have to go through these awkward and stressful stages right in front of each other. We have to make mistakes, disappoint each other, overreact, and sometimes behave like idiots before we can finally begin to realize that none of us is perfect, but each of us has a lot to offer. And all of us together can accomplish an amazing amount of great things.
I'll be glad when we outgrow this stage.
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